Vanilla, Chocolate, and... Crazy?

E-mailing with CB has become a several-times-weekly occurrence.  I know what you might be thinking, but really--I'm not sure he sees anything past friends.  I mean, he lives in Texas for crying out loud, and I'm... well, let's just say, I'm nowhere near Texas.  But I'm happy just to have the friendship—we have an incredible e-mail relationship.  I'll take it.

Lately, I haven't heard from CB much because, not only has he been swamped with insane lawyer work, he has also been tending to his good friend in crisis.  His dear friend, Matthew, who is such a sweetheart, recently was dumped by his long-term girlfriend.  Completely unexpected.  Absolutely out-of-nowhere.  Total bummer.  And it's probably normal, but just hearing about Matthew's heartbreak feels like a punch in the stomach.  Just reading the words on the screen and thinking about what Matthew is going through makes me want to vomit all over my keyboard.  It's as if someone placed me back in that room over 8 months ago and I'm hearing my ex-husband tell me again: "Marriage is a lot of work—and you're just not worth the effort."

But this break-up starts CB and I talking about an interesting subject:  What causes couples to break up, and what keeps them together?  Is it that certain people find their perfect match, and others are just clueless idiots and choose someone who doesn't fit with them?  Are the divorcées of the world all just dumb?  Somehow I think that just can't be it.

I decide that the root of relationships ending has to be one of two things.  Either:

1. The guy is a jerk, but he charmed and tricked the girl into thinking he was a nice guy; OR
2. The girl is crazy, but she charmed and tricked the guy into thinking she was normal.

Makes sense right?  I expressed this opinion to CB to see what he thought, and we had our first fight.  Okay, so not really a fight per se, but definitely a discussion in which we didn't agree with each other.  The e-mail chain went something like this:

DD:    "My friend Bear called me a 'Category 5 Man-hater.'  He said I needed to downgrade to a lesser storm when it comes to guys and cut them some slack, but I don't really think I'm being all that unrealistic.  I mean, most guys are jerks.  You can't deny that."

CB:    "Sure I can.  You are just wrong.  All men are jerks.  Now, that's the honest truth.  And all women are crazy."

DD:    "Wait a second, now.  You're trying to tell me that all men are jerks--including you?  I thought you were always holding yourself out to be this nice guy, so how can that be?  And what's this, 'all women are crazy' stuff?  I'm not crazy... I refuse to believe that.  It just can't be."

CB:    "Sure it can.  You are crazy.  You all are.  And I'm a jerk, just like all guys are jerks.  Now, I didn't say that I'm all jerk or even mostly a jerk.  I am mostly a nice guy--but there is some jerk in there too, cause I'm a man, and that's just the way it is."

DD:    "So if you are right, and all men are jerks, and all women are crazy, how are all these couples staying together?  How come it works out for some people and not for others, then?" 

CB:    "It's like going to Ben & Jerry's for ice cream.  You look for the flavors you like best, right? Certain flavors are going to appeal to you more than others, and it might be totally different for me.  You might want vanilla; I might want chocolate.  It's the same thing with relationships—everyone wants something different."

DD:  "Right, I get that.  So how does that work with crazy and jerk?"

And here is where CB gets very profound and wise beyond his years:

CB: "Certain flavors of 'crazy' are just not going to work for me.  I am not going to order that ice cream.  However, other flavors of crazy I can deal with.  Get it?  For you, finding the right guy should be finding the right flavor of 'jerk.'  It's a matter of matching up the right flavor of jerk with the right flavor of crazy if you want to find that couple that will work out."

I argued against my being crazy for a while but later realize I owe CB an apology. He is totally on to something. I do have a little bit of "crazy." I'm not sure what my crazy was before my divorce, but post-divorce, I can definitely identify it: elevated paranoia, increased insecurity, the strongly-built fence around my heart... all "flavors" that are going to drive certain men in my future absolutely insane and push them away.

I suppose if (and that's a big if right now) I ever do want to find the right guy someday, it will be a matter of searching for the right flavor of "jerk" who is going to work with my "crazy."  But does that mean it will all be happily ever after?

CB:    "[My friend] J said something interesting the other day, he pointed out that it wasn't that my parents (or anyone else who stays together) had a better spark, instead they had a better idea of the commitment that a relationship requires.  I think that is the benefit that divorce may afford.  It teaches people who aren't ready for that commitment to avoid it, and those that are to avoid those that aren't."

My only problem now? I'm definitely not seeing any of CB's "jerk"—he must be really good at hiding it....

Forever fearless,
Dumbfounded Divorcée