How to Lose a Guy in Ten Ways

My dear friend Bear finally convinced me to try online dating, and surprisingly, it has provided a unforeseen benefit:  getting the male perspective on dating!  I've been polling the guys I meet and asking about the what-not-to-do's that women most often fail to avoid.

Out of all the answers I received about horrible dating stories, there were ten front-runners that stood out among the others.  While some might be hard to believe, I assure you:  all of these stories are TRUE and UNEMBELLISHED (if you can believe that after you read these atrocities).  I call it "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Ways."  Or—all the things not to do while on a date with a guy.  Enjoy!

1. Never say to a guy, "You're not going to break my heart, are you?"  Especially not several times.  On the third date.  While having sex.
2. Never go on a first date and bring up controversial subjects that include informing your date about your recent abortion—with vivid details.  Eww.
3. Never go on a date with someone who speaks English when you clearly don't.  Your date will spend the entire time not really sure if you understand what he is saying.
4. Never continuously message someone through the online dating site without receiving a response, then send another message through to another dating site, then go back to original dating site and try again—this time with a new profile name and picture but the same message.  It will not work.  Give it up.
5. Never arrive late to a first date...especially not when the reason for your lateness involves circling around the restaurant parking lot for ten minutes and then refusing to get out of the car because you thought you saw your ex standing by the door of the restaurant.
6. Never bring your parents to the second date, then allow your parents to drink too much, which then causes your parents to start arguing and yelling with each other in the middle of the bowling alley so much that your mom trips and falls into a garbage can and you all get kicked out.  It will definitely be a deal-breaker.
7. Never go on a blind date to a busy restaurant and very loudly proclaim that you want to have more kids, but you don't want them from a man, but that you plan on going to a sperm bank.  It might be awkward.
8. Never seem more concerned with making plans for after dinner than you are with having dinner—particularly if making plans involves taking phone calls during the meal from other guys.
9. Never ask a guy to marry you on the second date ... while sober and serious ... especially right after having sex with him.
10. Never go on a first date when you are tired—you really can never be too careful.  You wouldn't want to fall asleep at dinner with your head on the table only five minutes after the meal has been served, so much so that your date cannot wake you up, because then it will require him to practically carry you to the car and then into your house (which you could barely direct them to), all while you are pretty much passed out.  It will be very embarassing the next day—particularly when you have to see this person at work.

More of my own online dating stories to come...stay tuned!

Forever fearless,
Dumbfounded Divorcée

Moral Standards & Dating Rules

DD:     Omg.  I have 2 dates with 2 diff guys this week.  I am such a slut!

Rugrat:     And then you are going to TX for a 3rd  ;-)

DD:     Crap ur right.  I AM a slut!

Rugrat:     Ur not a slut unless you sleep with them.  So ur good. 

And this is where my dating advice comes from...awesome.  I would be more horrified if I wasn't so sure that 99.9% of the time, she is right on with her observations.

Her response made me realize something, though:  after divorce, what are the dating rules?  Are the rules different from when you are dating and have never been married, or are they the same?  Prior to my divorce, I last time I went on a date I was 23 years old and fresh out of college.  At 23, I had a whole set of guidelines and standards for dating.  But now?  I have no idea where those lines are drawn anymore.  I no longer remember the rules, and I'm not sure they are even the same at age 23 as they are now.  I mean, please—I just spent the past 7 years with only "rules" applying to my conduct with people outside my marriage, not to the person I was with.  It's kinda like divorcées are used to no rules, so we need to re-assess and set guidelines all over again.

For example, what is the magic number of dates before a person should expect attempt at a kiss good night?  How many days is one supposed to wait before calling for a second date?  How many dates does it take before things are considered serious?  And what are the signs that the person is interested, like really interested in you, and not just wanting to go on a date with someone they find attractive?  How do you know?

I started asking around, and here are the best 10 rules for dating that I received back from friends:

1. Make the guy pay.  You can be a feminist in every other facet of life, and this way, if the date stinks, it didn't cost you anything except a few hours of your time.
2. It's okay to kiss on the first date.  Just don't sleep with him.  Herpes is not a urban legend.
3. If he lives with his parents, has a cat named Fluffy, or collects Star Wars action figures, run.
4. Have a girlfriend ready to make a get-me-outta-here call in case you need to bail.  Or install the i-Phone app that calls in an emergency for you.  Gotta love technology.
5. If he's ugly, have a drink and skip dinner.  If he's really ugly (like resembles Iggy Pop or could be Steve Buscemi's twin), go to the bathroom and don't come back.
6. Do not even think of going anywhere near a guy who owns blow-up dolls.  It is not safe.
7. Never date a man who's butt is significantly smaller than yours.  That's just not right.
8. Chivalry is not dead—make him be a gentleman.  If he acts otherwise, you then have permission to ditch being a lady and tell him what you think of his lack of chivalry.
9. If he pulls into the driveway and honks, you better not even think about going outside.
10. The specifics for all blind dates or guys you met in a bar need to be properly recorded on paper somewhere in your home or e-mailed to a friend.  I suggest leaving a note taped to the fridge:  "My name is Dumbfounded Divorcée, and on August 17th, I went on a date with Mr. Serial-Killer at 7:30 p.m.  I don't know his address, but his phone number is 123-456-7890, and all other descriptive info known (hair color, tattoos, bad pick-up lines commonly used) is listed below.  If it is anytime after midnight on this same day, please send police, search parties, and ambulances to find me by using my cell phone location tracker, as I have set it up specifically for this date.  In the event that you cannot find me, I have attached a list of where I want all my stuff to go.  And please feed the dog.  Thanks."

Maybe after this dating week, I'll have a few more rules of my own to add.  Wish me luck!

Forever fearless,
Dumbfounded Divorcée

My Biggest Fault

I have the problem of being too nice, too forgiving, and too trusting.  I suppose if this is my biggest fault, I'm not that bad off, but sometimes it works against me.

Mr. FD (a.k.a. Mr. Kissy-face) has been calling.  Go figure.  I can't imagine why he didn't think the date went well, since I was too dumbstruck by his ninja-kissing moves to let him know I wasn't really interested.  I have been doing a pretty good job of putting him off so far, but now I'm thinking that maybe I should give him a second chance?  I can't decide.  My decision-making friends are split:  Chanel, who is sometimes a lot like me in the too-nice department, agrees that a second date is totally do-able.  Mamasita is ambivalent—she thinks the guy is a bit creepy, but who knows?  It was the second date that did it for her and her husband, so might be worth the shot.  Rowdy has completely forbidden it:  "Are you high?  Nothing good can come of this second-date nonsense.  Don't answer your phone—you are such a sucker, I don't trust you to keep saying no."  Additionally, I've got Rowdy's husband, Todd, who I can hear yelling in the background about how he is going to put his foot down against this idea and, as usual, playing the role of my overprotective big brother.

I decide to consult my dating-Yoda, also known as my sister, Rugrat.  She is younger than me and out finishing law school in the Midwest, so we don't get to see each other as much as I would like, but we do very well with our telephone and text message relationship.  She has been out in the dating world basically the entire time I was with my ex-husband, so while I have no experience in the past 7 years, she is full of it and offers it via text message as often as I need it:

DD:    So what do u think?  2nd date w/ Mr. FD?  Thots?

Rugrat:     U get 3 dates.  Thats the rule.  U r still getting to know him up - but at #4 if ur not interested, then u r just in it for the free meal.

I finally give in and agree to date #2 with Mr. FD.  If nothing else, should provide me with entertaining material for my next blog.

Forever fearless,
Dumbfounded Divorcée