Five Hours of Fashion Faux Pas: My Date with Mr. Black Sneakers

So I went on a date with a guy wearing black sneakers.

Yep, that's all I needed to say, right?  Black sneakers.  That's as far as I got in my story during Christmas dinner, and it was enough to have cousin almost shoot wine through her nose.

Now the black sneakers didn't look like these:

Or these...

Or even these...

(Yes, even those last ones would have been a step up.)

Until I become more stealthy at taking covert pictures on my dates, I've had to try and find via Google the best replica that I can, and the closest I've come are these:

But honestly, they might have been even worse.

Pair that up with "mom" jeans, and you have tragic.  Then cap it off with an expectation of a 40-year-old man who looks thirty-five, and a reality of a 40-year-old man who looks forty-five, and what you have left is just one really long ass date with that creepy middle-aged neighbor who lived down the street from your childhood home and who everyone thought was a pedophile.

After dinner, a hockey game, and a car ride out of the jam-packed arena parking lot (WOW, long date!), we didn't seem sorry to say good-byes.

No second date happening here.

But then I start thinking...why didn't he want a second date?!?  I'm cool...right?  Surely Mr. Black Sneakers wasn't looking at me thinking: Gosh, look at those flats, so out of style!  And who on earth picked out that shirt?! Wow, doesn't she have a friend who can tell her that hairstyle is soooo '90s...?  What if the past five hours were just as excruciating to him as they were to me?  Sadly, the thought did not even cross my mind until after I watched his car pull away from the parking lot where he had dropped me at mine.

 I did try to ignore the fashion faux pas and get to know the inner Mr. Black Sneakers during our date.   But maybe I'm too judgmental on outward appearances?  Is it wrong to size up a guy based on how they look on the outside, or is it recommended that you sit through dinner, a hockey game, and a car ride before you can veto a second date?

I conclude it was wrong of me to assume that a forty-year-old man in black sneakers would be thrilled to be out, no matter who he was a date with, but I realize that I really did try to keep an open mind throughout our date. I certainly do not want to be a shallow person looking at only inner beauty, but there is something to be said for outward appearances giving you a lot of insight into personality.  Mr. Black Sneakers and I just didn't click, appearances aside, and I believe that first impressions really do tell you a lot about a person—which presents the question:  what does my first impression say about me?

I have never really wondered what my dates think about on their way home from meeting me.  I'm so busy debating on whether or not I liked them, I forget to consider whether they liked me.  Obviously, this guy didn't.  Maybe I'm not as date-able as I think I am...

But at least I won't be the one wearing black sneakers.

Lesson #13 in Post-Divorce Dating:  Never commit to a five-hour date with a complete stranger who you met on eHarmony.  It is not shallow to promise only a drink or coffee before making any further obligations.  Also recommended?  Before the date, ask the guy to send you a full-body picture of himself in his normal attire—and holding a newspaper with the current date clearly visible.

Forever fearless,
Dumbfounded Divorcée

Online Dating Hating

I am so busy that I literally don't have time to think.  As a teacher, we quickly become masterminds at hearing twelve questions simultaneously, sorting each question out in our heads like pieces of a puzzle:

Student #1:     I don't understand how to do this question!  I need help!
Student #2:     Where is the handout for the homework?
Student #3:     Can I turn my homework in late because my dog ate it last night?
Student #4:     I need a new book to read—this one is boring.
Student #5:     Why did I get an "F" on this project?!?  I worked SO hard on it!
Student #6:     Ms. DD, I need to go to the bathroom—I'm going, okay?

After years of teaching, you find the ability to fire back answers to each one, all within about fifteen seconds—because, with teenagers, that is usually all the time you have before either (1) they become irritated that you didn't answer them or (2) their attention spans run out and they completely forget the question they asked in the first place.

Ms. DD:     You—read the directions to the question; bet it will make more sense.  You—under your book, where you put it after I gave it to you TEN minutes ago.  You—no; the dog ate your homework LAST week, remember?  Try a new excuse.  You—you're boring if you think that book is.  But if you really need a new one, go to the library.  You—how long did you spend on that 2-week long project?  Two hours?  That's what I thought—try again.  And you—you set a foot outside this classroom, and I WILL beat you with this clipboard that I'm holding.  It's a good thing you're not in kindergarten, so you can hold your pee.

But lately, I find that my Jedi-like wisdom is a bit slow on the uptake—so many things are being thrown at me that my mind is too busy to lay out all the puzzle pieces and attempt to see how it all fits together.  I'm so overwhelmed with trees that I have no idea I'm even in a forest.  I am drowning a miserable death in ungraded papers, lesson plans, and test scores.  I have filled my social calendar to the max with girlfriends and dates (yes, I said dates—wowzer, maybe dating drought is over?), and I am also taking classes at night to keep my job certification.  And yet, despite my schedule being packed, I am still finding time to be lonely.

Lonely.

What an awful word.

It seems so stupid to say.  I feel as though I am throwing a big pity-party or complaining just to utter those two syllables.  I remember I used to think that "lonely" was one of the worst feelings in the world, right up there with feeling left out or guilty, but I still feel absolutely pathetic just thinking it.  Therefore, lonely has been encouraging me to jump into this online dating thing with fierce resolve to stay open-minded.

But honestly, how can one stay open-minded with some of the stuff that I have encountered?!?  I'm serious.  Don't get me wrong—I have been on a few dates where the only thing wrong with the guy was that he was just a bit uninteresting to me but overall seemed like a nice human being.  Others?  Holy dorkarama!

My online-dating conclusion—and prepare for me to completely offend some of you—is that it does NOT work when you live in a big city like I do.

I'm serious.  I hate to derail your Match.com hopes and dreams, but online dating is for meeting people when your city does not lend itself to social spots and locales that allow you to meet others.  In my big city, if you can't meet people, you are either (1) a social recluse who lives in your mother's basement and never emerges or (2) a socially-challenged individual who lacks all ability to interact with another human being, much less one of the opposite sex.

In my experiences with online dating, I have been matched with BOTH of these lovely options.  And the others, you open up their profiles and think, really?!  That's the best picture that you have of yourself?!  Omg....  (Disclaimer:  Yes, I have contemplated that I may be going to hell for being so judgmental, but I like to think that God would react the same way if he saw some of these photos....)

First, let's begin with some of the profiles I have encountered as my "perfect," ahem, match:




"I'm passionate about decovering the truth in general and designing things is what I love to do. I also love computers and PC games! Cats, rabbits, and horses are cool too! I have cat pictures..."
Okay, creepy cat guy...not sure I want to see those pictures!




"I am not looking for my son a mom but it is a two for one deal so I understand other single parents. I have never really been into just hooking up and I am not looking for that hear. I love sex as much as anyone but I want it to be with her and not just them....Just because I'm a guy does mot mean that the only thing I want to talk about is sex or other vulgar stuff."
WHAAAAAATT?!?  That's enough of that.

"I love the fall. Crisp, sunny days with a chill in the air and the smell of fall. It is also the perfect season to make my chicken chili, which I named 'Marry Me Chili' because I have yet to cook it once without receiving a marriage proposal."
Okay, so how many times have you made this chili?  Once?  Twice?  More?!? 



"If she smokes, has kids, is out of shape/overweight, or is 100% against alcohol then it probably isn't going to work. Just being honest, no need to waste our time."
Okay, buddy, have you looked the mirror?  You are looking for a supermodel, and let's be honest...it ain't happening.

"I am most passionate about taking care of my vehicles,playing video games with my nephews, going out with friends,going Hunting&Fishing when I get the chance to and most of all my music I love listing to my music I don't know what it is about music but just jumping in my pickup truck & rolling down the windows a cranking the music up and going for a nice country drive just takes me to my "Happy Place"!!!"
My happy place includes using punctuation.  Just sayin.




"I am always on the computer or the iPad or iPhone. I live alone and work from my home. So it's either work or play. I do have the TV on as well."
Are you sure you don't live with your mom?  I mean, no one is gonna come out and just admit it, right?  That statement right there was sure to be as close as I'm gonna get....





"Even my ex's look me up so i must do something right or i am choosing really crazy women."
I'm gonna go with the latter...you said it, not me.

And, oh, just wait!  I haven't even gotten to the ones I have been on dates with....  Until next time, I remain—

Forever fearless,
Dumbfounded Divorcée

How to Lose a Guy in Ten Ways

My dear friend Bear finally convinced me to try online dating, and surprisingly, it has provided a unforeseen benefit:  getting the male perspective on dating!  I've been polling the guys I meet and asking about the what-not-to-do's that women most often fail to avoid.

Out of all the answers I received about horrible dating stories, there were ten front-runners that stood out among the others.  While some might be hard to believe, I assure you:  all of these stories are TRUE and UNEMBELLISHED (if you can believe that after you read these atrocities).  I call it "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Ways."  Or—all the things not to do while on a date with a guy.  Enjoy!

1. Never say to a guy, "You're not going to break my heart, are you?"  Especially not several times.  On the third date.  While having sex.
2. Never go on a first date and bring up controversial subjects that include informing your date about your recent abortion—with vivid details.  Eww.
3. Never go on a date with someone who speaks English when you clearly don't.  Your date will spend the entire time not really sure if you understand what he is saying.
4. Never continuously message someone through the online dating site without receiving a response, then send another message through to another dating site, then go back to original dating site and try again—this time with a new profile name and picture but the same message.  It will not work.  Give it up.
5. Never arrive late to a first date...especially not when the reason for your lateness involves circling around the restaurant parking lot for ten minutes and then refusing to get out of the car because you thought you saw your ex standing by the door of the restaurant.
6. Never bring your parents to the second date, then allow your parents to drink too much, which then causes your parents to start arguing and yelling with each other in the middle of the bowling alley so much that your mom trips and falls into a garbage can and you all get kicked out.  It will definitely be a deal-breaker.
7. Never go on a blind date to a busy restaurant and very loudly proclaim that you want to have more kids, but you don't want them from a man, but that you plan on going to a sperm bank.  It might be awkward.
8. Never seem more concerned with making plans for after dinner than you are with having dinner—particularly if making plans involves taking phone calls during the meal from other guys.
9. Never ask a guy to marry you on the second date ... while sober and serious ... especially right after having sex with him.
10. Never go on a first date when you are tired—you really can never be too careful.  You wouldn't want to fall asleep at dinner with your head on the table only five minutes after the meal has been served, so much so that your date cannot wake you up, because then it will require him to practically carry you to the car and then into your house (which you could barely direct them to), all while you are pretty much passed out.  It will be very embarassing the next day—particularly when you have to see this person at work.

More of my own online dating stories to come...stay tuned!

Forever fearless,
Dumbfounded Divorcée

To Online Date, or Not to Online Date...

At approximately 2:30 a.m. the other day, I received the following message on Facebook:

"Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end.. My name is paul martins.... I see your picture and i willl love to know you better ... i am single and i looking for a friend or more meaningful relationship that will leads to marriage.. i need a woman to grow old with .. hope to hear from you soon.. add me on yahoo messenger mrpaulmatins@yahoo.com i am always online there too..."

Did I mention that I have absolutely no idea who this is? 

It is truly unbelievable the lengths that people will now go for love.  Our society has gone as far as spam-dating:  sending out mass messages to random groups of people in hopes that one of those messages will reach a future Mr./Mrs. Right.

Pathetic?  Simply Genius?  I haven't yet decided, but one thing is for certain—most of our society is agressively determined to find "true love". . . or maybe just to find someone for those oh-so-lonely nights.

Whichever.

When I got married, I didn't feel any pressure to "have" someone.  I was twenty-five years old at the time, so most of my friends were still single.  No husband, no kids—no problem.  I got married because I wanted to get married to the person who asked me.  And because we didn't think there was any reason for us to wait.

Now that I am post-divorce, I realize that there does come a time when it becomes difficult being single and living in a "married" world.  All my close friends are married.  Most have kids.  When I log into Facebook, I am bombarded with pictures and status updates of weddings, honeymoons, anniversaries, babies, second babies, and the like.  (I shamefully admit that sometimes I even scroll through the list of "People You May Know," halfway hoping to see some old acquaintance looking sorrowfully unattached.  You know, misery loves company...and a dateable old flame.)  I am met only with profile pictures of happy pairs, smiling and hugging, looking into each other's eyes with adoration.

And so, recently, I have emerged from the cloud of intentional solitude, the joyousness of "no strings," the elation of feeling free as a bird, and instead...felt alone.

Don't get me wrong—this "alone" feeling is GREAT.  Fantastic, even.  Because if I am actually starting to feel sadness at being alone instead of being hell-bent on celebrating my independence like it's a freaking holiday, then maybe I am finally ready to be in a relationship again.

Maybe.  But still, that's healing, right? :)

Now, instead of the "to date, or not to date" question, the new question is how do I find someone to date?  If you have noticed, my bad-luck dating stories have been fewer and farther between lately.  After being set up by practically every single one of my friends and having skulked around the local night scene on several entertaining occassions, I am running out of options for meeting new (normal) people in my city (emphasis on the word normal, if you please...).

And then, because this is the twenty-first century, and due to the fact that I am getting spam-dating FB messages, I am once again reminded of the newest trend in single living:  online dating.

Now I have always been completely against online dating—at least as far as it applied to me.  Sure, I have tons of friends who met their soul mates on Match.com, E-Harmony, Christian Mingle, or J-Date; they went on several first dates, found the love of their lives, were married within a couple years, and all lived happily ever after.  My life, however, has never really followed that fairy-tale plot line, so I'm not incredibly optimistic about allowing the internet gods to control the fate of my love life.

I have had only one experience in online dating, and that story takes us back to the summer before my freshman year of college.  Cue the flashback music...now!

During the summer before I started college, America Online was the country's preferred mode of online communication.  Everyone who was anyone had an AOL screen name and "chatted" with friends, as well as random people.  There was a way for users to search profiles for various information in those profiles, so I had random people chatting with me frequently.  As soon as I was accepted to college, I listed in my profile the name of the college, so, at once, I started to receive chat messages from other incoming students who had "found" me by searching for that school online.

One of random messages came from a guy who was also going to be a freshman that fall.  Let's call him Goofy because I swear that's exactly how I remember him looking—yup, absolutely goofy, but not of the sweet, endearing sort.  Goofy fell more into the creepy sort.

Being the intelligent, street-smart girl that I was at eighteen, I ended up meeting the guy for a date.  He asked me to the movies once we had both arrived at college in September.  First of all, I had to borrow a car and pick him up—though he asked me out, he apparently thought that I would find it terribly convenient to ask one of the girls in my dorm—who I had known for about two weeks, mind you—if I could borrow their car.  Classy of me, I know.  I guess I figured, at least I had a way home should something go terribly wrong.

So, I'm sitting there in the movie thinking, what am I doing on a date with this guy?!?  Not only was he really goofy looking, there was definitely something weird about the way he kept looking at me.  And geez, he did the whole stretch-to-put-your-arm-around-the-girl move.  I mean, really?  I did what any girl would do in such a situation—sat as far away from him as possible, crossed my legs away from him, and leaned forward a bit to show that I definitely did not want his arm around me.  However, Goofy was not too bright.  Right in the middle of the scene in Pleasantville where Toby Maguire's mom turns to color, Goofy leans forward, turns toward me, and starts coming in for the kiss...gross.  After ducking under his arm and sitting the rest of the movie in uncomfortable silence, I vowed that my excursions into online dating had met their disgusting end.

And if that memory not enough to scare me in the other direction, I have Bear's story about the date he met online who gave him full description of her recent abortion—it makes for great dinner-table talk on the first date, let me assure you.

In spite of all the online-dating horror stories, I know that it has proven to be useful for many people.  Maybe it's worth a shot?  If nothing else, maybe I will get some entertaining stories out of it?

Thus, to online date, or not to online date?  That is the question...now, it's time for your answer!

Should DD try online dating?

Forever fearless,
Dumbfounded Divorcée