How to Lose a Guy in Ten Ways

My dear friend Bear finally convinced me to try online dating, and surprisingly, it has provided a unforeseen benefit:  getting the male perspective on dating!  I've been polling the guys I meet and asking about the what-not-to-do's that women most often fail to avoid.

Out of all the answers I received about horrible dating stories, there were ten front-runners that stood out among the others.  While some might be hard to believe, I assure you:  all of these stories are TRUE and UNEMBELLISHED (if you can believe that after you read these atrocities).  I call it "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Ways."  Or—all the things not to do while on a date with a guy.  Enjoy!

1. Never say to a guy, "You're not going to break my heart, are you?"  Especially not several times.  On the third date.  While having sex.
2. Never go on a first date and bring up controversial subjects that include informing your date about your recent abortion—with vivid details.  Eww.
3. Never go on a date with someone who speaks English when you clearly don't.  Your date will spend the entire time not really sure if you understand what he is saying.
4. Never continuously message someone through the online dating site without receiving a response, then send another message through to another dating site, then go back to original dating site and try again—this time with a new profile name and picture but the same message.  It will not work.  Give it up.
5. Never arrive late to a first date...especially not when the reason for your lateness involves circling around the restaurant parking lot for ten minutes and then refusing to get out of the car because you thought you saw your ex standing by the door of the restaurant.
6. Never bring your parents to the second date, then allow your parents to drink too much, which then causes your parents to start arguing and yelling with each other in the middle of the bowling alley so much that your mom trips and falls into a garbage can and you all get kicked out.  It will definitely be a deal-breaker.
7. Never go on a blind date to a busy restaurant and very loudly proclaim that you want to have more kids, but you don't want them from a man, but that you plan on going to a sperm bank.  It might be awkward.
8. Never seem more concerned with making plans for after dinner than you are with having dinner—particularly if making plans involves taking phone calls during the meal from other guys.
9. Never ask a guy to marry you on the second date ... while sober and serious ... especially right after having sex with him.
10. Never go on a first date when you are tired—you really can never be too careful.  You wouldn't want to fall asleep at dinner with your head on the table only five minutes after the meal has been served, so much so that your date cannot wake you up, because then it will require him to practically carry you to the car and then into your house (which you could barely direct them to), all while you are pretty much passed out.  It will be very embarassing the next day—particularly when you have to see this person at work.

More of my own online dating stories to come...stay tuned!

Forever fearless,
Dumbfounded Divorcée