The Day the Music Died

I've been trying to write this post for a few weeks now, but it has been a difficult one to write—mostly because I didn't want to talk to anyone about it.  I knew how most would listen to my news, analyze it, and respond: "You are feeling [insert what they think I'm feeling] because [insert their reasoning]."  I get it—the people who love me are always trying to protect me from ever feeling hurt again.

But I don't want to hear an analysis of my feelings from anyone right now.  I'm not even sure what these emotions are, and shouldn't I be the one who knows best on that subject?  My feelings are complicated, just not that easy to understand or to share.

But then I got to thinking—letting out thoughts and feelings is the point of a blog.  Isn't it so I can write to the unknown cyberspace my deepest, personal feelings in hopes that someone out there can relate with me and find what I say useful?  Gosh, I sure hope so.  Otherwise, what would be the point of all this?

So while this might be waaaaaay more personal than I feel like revealing, this blog entry is for everyone out there who has ever been hurt by a relationship—and who needs the strength to overcome it.

It all started a few weeks ago when finally I made a decision.  You see, someone who has been a big part of my life lately left town at the beginning of summer.  With him gone until August, I figured that I could take the time to decipher my feelings for him, but first, I would enjoy time for me.  I needed to take time to smell the roses, to bask in the sunshine, to enjoy the music—

But then I paused to listen...and realized that the tune had stopped.  The music had died.  The silence was empty, and the melody I had been hearing for the past few months seemed awkwardly absent.  I missed it, and I couldn't wait until it was back in my life—surely I wasn't that dumb to dismiss a sign like that!

So I stopped analyzing and stopped thinking and just decided to go with my heart.  My heart didn't know much—let's face it, it never does—but I was certain of what made me happy right now, and I decided to throw logic and analysis out the window, to throw away my fears about the future, and to open my heart to potential love.

I was too late.


Dearest Mr. Songwriter,

I know you probably won't get this until tomorrow, but I wanted to say something that I wasn't able to get out over the phone.  I am very sad that things didn't work out, and I take full responsibility for it.  I knew there would come a time when it just became too hard for you to stay in love with me while constantly being pushed away.  I knew that there would come a time when you just had to walk away from me.  All this time, I knew it was a risk, but I really didn't have a choice—I couldn't do things any other way.  I wish I could have gotten myself together sooner, but I knew that I did the best I could under the circumstances.  I know I'm too late.  And right now I am probably still not totally together and, who knows, could even back-track from where I am now, so I guess you are right—it was just not meant to be for us.  You deserve someone who is more like you, who is ready for you right now, and who is not going to push you away from them for as long as I did.

I know that, so far, this e-mail is all stuff you know.  But here's what you don't know—you will always be very, very special to me.  I cannot even tell you what you have meant to me during these past ten months.  Your compassion has helped me outwardly deal with a lot of feelings and emotions that I kept bottled up around other people since my divorce.  Your patience has helped me actually move toward a point of healing and prepared me so much more for any future relationship that I may or may not have.  Your humorous and fun spirit has been a rope to pull me through some really rough, sad times.  Your music and songwriting have been inspiring to me and will stick with me for the rest of my life.  Your trustworthiness and honesty have helped me believe that I might be able to get past the fear of betrayal someday.  And your love has been so precious to me because you made me feel as though I was actually someone worth loving again, and words cannot even express to you how much I needed that at exactly the time you gave it to me.

So please don't feel guilty about deciding that you no longer wanted this relationship, or whatever it really was.  Please don't think that you caused me any undeserved pain—I know you never intended to hurt me at all, but it was only a matter of time before I had to face hurt of some kind.  It was not your job to protect me from that.  Sometimes people come into our lives for a reason, but they are not always meant to stay forever.  I think we both helped each other in some way or another, and now the time has come for us to go down our separate paths, and that's okay.  I know you are going to find someone absolutely perfect for you, who you adore beyond measure, and who loves you more than you can even imagine.  I don't regret a single minute of our relationship because I know that I am coming out of it with so much more than what I walked into it with.

So thank you, Mr. Songwriter, for everything.  I love you for who you are and for all that you are to me.

Forever fearless,
Dumbfounded Divorcée