Top Ten* Lessons Learned by Dumbfounded Divorcée during GNO with her Friends:
Lesson #1: A quick celebratory drink at 5 o'clock always ends up lasting at least six hours.
Lesson #2: Nights out involving any combination of DD, Chanel, Rowdy, Dolly, Stella, or Faith require a mature and responsible chaperone to be present.
Lesson #3: When you leave for a trip to the bathroom, you may come back to find a Navy officer in your seat.
Lesson #4: Think twice before you ask a Navy officer why he is carrying two sailor hats—you may learn disturbing information. Like, Navy officers who carry around extra sailor hats might be doing so in order to make trades with hot women for various sexual favors.
Lesson #5: Rowdy is an enabler, but also the best wing-man ever. Therefore, don't ever point out a guy who you consider attractive unless you are entirely prepared to have this information shared with said guy and an introduction with him scheduled to occur imminently.
Lesson #6: Buy a table full of already-drunk men any drink they desire, and the end result will be 6 SoCo & lime shots for your table and hilarious company for the rest of the night. Plus an amusing blog post—can't forget that one.
Lesson #7: When Dolly's husband, Great Dane, drives by the bar where your group is seated at an outside table, only to see his wife surrounded by flirtatious men, Great Dane won't get panicked, angry, or jealous. He'll park the car, order a beer, and sit back to watch the madness ensue.
Lesson #8: Great Dane is not a good stand-in for a chaperone, even if he is the current front-runner for the Husband-of-the-Year Award.
Lesson #9: Chanel is a flirting goddess. Not only did she get asked for her phone number by the hottest male visitor to our table of the night, but he actually called...five minutes after we started walking away.
Lesson #10: While sharing drinks at the bar, Faith's vegetarianism and Chanel's annual meat-intake rules may result in an intense debate over the ethical killing of cows. Dolly is a star at making her opinion known, in addition to breaking the tension—she deals with it by ordering a burger.
Lesson #11: Shared hatred for the Florida Gators helps Rowdy and DD make friends with male strangers who become all the more appealing once you find out they say the word "boat" with a Southern accent.
Lesson #12: When going out to a bar, one should wear a light-blue cardigan. This magical clothing article produces insistent promises by attractive men that, since they are flying back home the next morning, they will schedule a return trip to your city just to take you on a date.
Lesson #13: Stella's neighborhood needs to be visited more often—but next time, a sleepover also planned in order avoid the 20-minute ride home, thereby giving Chanel and DD far less time to write unintelligible text messages and make phone calls to everyone we think might want to share in late-night pizza with us.
Lesson #14: Pizza, while enticingly delicious at 1 a.m., does not fare so well after beer and SoCo shots.
Lesson #15: Finally, no drink could be sweeter, no joke as hilarious, no evening as perfect as the one shared with my friends. I love you guys to the moon and back. Let's plan another night out soon!
Forever fearless,
Dumbfounded Divorcée
* — Okay, so I lied. There are 15 lessons, not 10. After sharing an entire blog full of embarrassingly and entirely true tales, I am entitled to one free pass. So deal with it :-)
LOL!!! :)
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