The Set-Up

Step 1:  The Set-Up.

Big D:     I have a guy I want to introduce you to.

DD:     Oh yeah?  Who is it?  Cute?  Nice?  Single, I'm assuming?

Big D:     He broke up with someone not too long ago, so he's recently single.  Mamasita thinks he is very attractive—

Mamasita (shouting in background):     OMG, yes!  he is adorable!

Big D:     He and I went to grade school together—we've been friends for a long time.  He plays guitar and writes all his songs; he still plays, but he's now a teacher at a Montessori school.  Let's see, he surfs, writes fiction—he's a very nice guy.

DD:     Nice, cute, teacher, surfer, and musician?  And a writer?!  Sounds intriguing...

Mamasita (off in background):     Tell her—oh just let me talk to her...

*Various noises, as Mamasita and Big D struggle over the phone*

Mamasita:     Hey—so the last girl he was dating?  He ended it with her because—he told me—that he just didn't see a future for them, so he didn't want to lead her on or waste time on something that wasn't going to last—this is what a nice guy he is.

DD:     Wow.  That—that really is nice.  And surprising for a guy to say that.

Mamasita:     You will definitely like him—and he's hot!

Mr. Songwriter and I met shortly after this conversation at a fundraising event that was planned and hosted by Mamasita and Rowdy.  Conveniently, we had both been invited and were quickly introduced by Big D, who absolutely loves playing the role of matchmaker with me.

Step 2:  First impressions.

Wow.  Definitely attractive...in that mysterious, sexy-voiced lead guitarist sort of way.

Hmmm...he sort of has this artsy-rocker look to him with the dark-rimmed glasses.  Gives off the air of coolness...sort of like he's a bit of a rebel, not too concerned about what others think, and all that "independent" image stuff....definitely interesting.

As the event progresses, we chat and get to know each other, while also mingling with the rest of the crowds and mutual friends who are attending.  I get the usual background information—except his past is not at all what you would consider "usual."  After earning a degree in Creative Writing, he decides to move to Costa Rica to teach surfing lessons.  Then he lives abroad for about a year before he returns to the U.S. for a girl, lives with her in a coastal northeastern city, works odd jobs, plays music, and writes for a while, until he eventually breaks up with said chick, moves back to his hometown, and takes a job teaching.  Definitely not the "usual" path, that's for sure.  I'm intrigued.

As the fundraiser is winding down, I walk out to the parking lot to head for home—and Mr. Songwriter happens to be out there helping Mamasita load some of the event items into her SUV (awww...).  Oh geez, here it comes...decision time.

Step 3:  Extend the evening.

"So what are you doing now?  Do you want to go get a drink somewhere?" Mr. Songwriter asks casually once we stroll far enough away from Mamasita that we are out of earshot.  "Or do you have other plans?"

Other plans now?  Is he serious?  It's 11:00 p.m., and I have a job training the next morning at 9.  If I was smart and responsible (key word there being "if"), I would head for home and get some much-needed sleep.

On the other hand, he's cute, and I haven't been asked on a date for a while...this is the first guy that I've met recently who hasn't had severe social tact issues or isn't just looking to follow me home to "hang out."

But no!  I need to get my sleep!  This training may not be important, but being tired for hours while listening to boring people talk about boring things will be absolutely miserable.  However, he is cute... shoot, did I say that one already?  I am horrible at this...


I make a decision.  Sigh.  I am going to hate myself when that alarm goes off in the morning.

We leave the event and park near my place, planning to walk from there to a local restaurant/bar down the street from where I live.  Despite the late hour, the restaurant is still packed, but we find seats at the bar and place our drink orders.  We talk mostly about work, comparing our students and the fact that, when you are a teacher, your day never fails to include some hilariously-crazy story.

Huh...if seriously famous, I bet this guy would have a whole clan of groupies...he has that husky voice, that quick humor.

Not at all my type...but you know—my type hasn't exactly worked out for me thus far...so maybe? I don't know....


The time passes quickly—we seem to have plenty to talk about, and, to top it off, he certainly makes me laugh with his dry, sarcastic humor—but I'm still not quite convinced that there is that "spark."  However, I can hear Mamasita in my head:  "Sometimes it takes until the second date—that is what happened with Big D and I—give it a chance!"  As I attempt to remain open-minded, I give him a quick glance as we are walking back toward my home and his car, and I notice that he seems to be looking around and nervously fidgeting a bit.

Step 4:  End-of-date kiss strategy.

"Man...I should have gone to the bathroom before we left the bar.  Hmm...think this place is open?  Nope—closed.  Oh well...oh man, didn't even think about it.  Should have. ...," Mr. Songwriter trails off, still looking around as if hoping some place will magically open up at one o'clock in the morning.

HA—hold on a sec, is he really going to pull that card?  What does he take me for?  Some naïve divorcée who hasn't dated in 7 years and doesn't know the new tricks of the dating game? Oh wait...  Okay, so while that might be true, I hate to break it to you, buddy—that bathroom trick ain't "new."

But wait—if I don't let him come up, is that mean?  He is kinda squirming...maybe he really has to go to the bathroom?  Shoot...that pesky little angel on my shoulder is gonna get me once again...


"If you need to, you can come up and use my bathroom, of course," I suggest casually, trying to word the invitation in a way that does not suggest that any funny business should be anticipated after said bathroom trip.

"Are you sure you don't mind?  Really, I will just use the bathroom and leave; I know you have an early morning tomorrow with that training and all," Mr. Songwriter apologizes, sounding genuine, as he follows me into my building.

While he's in the bathroom, I debate the usual end-of-date-kiss debacle.  I am not going to be dumb this time—I'm almost certain a private goodnight kiss is the angle with this whole bathroom routine of Mr. Songwriter's.  The question is:  do I let him?  I'm still not used to this whole kiss-on-the-first-date thing, but it seems to be gaining popularity here in the new age of dating...that, or I'm just dating a bunch of overly-affectionate (to put it nicely) men.

I decide just to go with it—if this is dating in 2010 and I'm single, then I should give it a shot.  And the kiss is, well...nice.  Just nice.  Not sure what that means, but since I'm not really aiming much higher than "not unpleasant," I can't say it is that bad of a sign.  Maybe Mr. Songwriter has some potential?

Lesson #6 in Post-Divorce Dating:  All in all, set-ups are a good thing.  First, step 1 removes the pressure of finding a date; then, step 2 yanks you out of your comfort zone toward someone who is totally not your usual type and whose first impression might have normally had you walking away.  Finally, step 3 allows for dating practice with a safe, mutually-known, and trusted individual.  But watch out for that fourth step—it's a doozy.

Forever fearless,
Dumbfounded Divorcée